Well…… it’s been ages since I wrote on my blog and I don’t even know if I can remember what I’ve been up to the last few months (old age!!) So I’ve just had a look and it was July, last update… ok…. Then here goes.

I had to get in touch with DFD to ask for a partial payment break so that I could afford to buy youngest sons school uniform.. that was a welcome relief to be honest as it was all so expensive.  I managed to get everything and within 3 weeks, son has lost his rugby shirt…. I refuse to replace it so have told him and the school that unless it is found (it disappeared from the pe room) he will only be wearing the sports shirt from now on.  I only bought him the one and got it slightly bigger so that it would fit him next year too!  We are paying the shortfall back to DFD monthly.

In my last entry to my blog, I said about 2^nd son being 21 and sending him on holiday….. well that went out of the window as his girlfriend and himself are having a baby in March… another Grandchild.  Unfortunately… they are no longer together and now I worry that I won’t be able to get involved with the baby as ex girlfriend is bitter and angry and has said that we can’t have contact etc… I just hope she changes her mind. So they won’t be having a holiday and now Son is back home, jobless, sitting on his butt not doing a lot.  I seem to spend my waking moments yelling at him to sort himself out.  This makes me feel like I’m a bad Mum as we have a good thing going me and 2^nd son and he’s always been there for me and I know that I have to push him but its ruining our relationship… so at the mo… trying to tread carefully.

Daughter hasn’t found anything yet, she’s just getting over some sort of flu bug… wasn’t swine flu thank goodness…. I just want my kids to have good lives!

We got ourselves a new second hand TV… well I didn’t.  Hub came home and said he was buying one off a friend.  He didn’t choose well…. Bless!  But at least it works and I’m adamant that it will sit in the living room for years…lol.

The shelf in one of the kitchen cupboards broke the other day so It’s all held back together with screws, which fits in with everything else.  This house is held together with screws..lol.  Our neighbours moved out at the end of September which is a relief as they were the ones pinching our wood and coal. Not happy with landlords choice of new tenants and am hoping that they are just quiet people who are considerate of neighbours who work nights.  I have a fear that they are not and with two children under the age of 5… well… I may sound harsh but we know who they are!!

I’m going to my first Frugal Friends meeting in November and am getting really quite excited. I have already met Andy Davie, Kallis3, Skippy 13, and Lesley in August and I’m so looking forward to meeting lots more of my forum buddies.  Jan (Kallis) kindly put me up at her house and both her and her husband Dave made me feel very at ease and looked after me wonderfully.

Only 7 months and 4 days to go.  I sit most days and dream of a debt free life.  Well more about travelling the world to be honest, so many places I want to see and experience.

Christmas is coming and it’s going to be a bit of a washout I think. No money around to buy anything and youngest son wants a bike. I’m trying to eat cheaply and save a bit at a time. I have just been and had a trim this morning and normally would go for a wash and cut but decided on a dry cut to save money. 

It’s not all doom and gloom though, I got a 0 .5% pay rise. Still not sure what I’m going to spend that on yet!!! Lol J Ah well at least I have a job…. Oh coal… its set to rise by another £3 a bag this year taking it to £15 a bag.  2 years ago we were paying £9.10 a bag! Its always pay out…. Pay out!  Of course we are not the only ones but I do wonder sometimes how we keep managing. We can burn wood during the day as Hub does manage to source it from wherever he can for free. Every little helps so they say!

Well I haven’t had such an exciting few months, just normal everyday stuff really. At least we are still afloat and managing, the bills are paid and we have a roof over our heads.  That’s all we need .

I’ve just been reading back over the last year of my Blog and what a moaning minnie am I? it’s all doom and gloom.  So…….. here’s my update.

May —  My 40th Birthday.  I went to my sisters a few days before the event and when I walked into her house she had decorated it with ‘40′ banners and balloons. She had commisioned a friend of hers to make me a cake and it was amazing.  it was black and white whith a triquetra in the centre.  I felt so loved when I walked into her house and she really made it special for me. She bought me loads of little pressies and also my fave perfume.

The girls from work all clubbed together and got me a voucher for superdrug, I got jewellery and champers from other work mates, actually I got a fair bit and felt quite spoilt and special.

Eldest son….sort of forgot… less said aboutt aht the better.  2nd son got my a gorgeous cat and some wine glasses with Cats etched on them.  Daughter got me a card (which I paid for…lolol) and wrote me a beautiful poem. Youngest son started making me a card the night before my brithday and the pc monitor packed up.  I bought a new one the very next day and he finsihed it when he came home from school.  On the actual day daughter and I met up with some friends and we went for lunch.  I had a pretty fab birthday and it was far far better than I expected.

My first Grandson was born on the 8th May, Kayden Christopher and even though I doubt we will see much of him (strained realtions between hub and step son)  we now have one of each.  Cassie is 3 now and such a little madam… cute… but a little madam.

June….. I don’t think alot happened in June……… oh yeah. the school youngest goes to decided to change its name and complete school uniform.  I’ve been to the uniform shop today to get a price list and its going to set me back around £100. (new school colours and logo)  I’m hoping I can get something week by week but if need be I’ll just be emailing DFD and asking for a partial payment break.

July…. Mick and I have just been away to Rotterdam.  Bloody expensive and we stayed in a 5 star hotel for the night.  I have never in my life satyed in a 5 star hotel and now I’ve done it I neer have to do it again.  talk about Posh.  I know how to conduct myself in those surroundings (breeding if you like… well thats what my mother says and she’s a snob!!) but I felt quite uncomfortable.  We were looked at as though we shouldn’t be there and it didn’t feel good.  The room was amazing and the food was outstanding… the bathrobe was sooooo soft, and I had the best nights sleep ever on that bed.  A problem or two with my paypal card which was embarrasing at the time, so I wont be using that unless its for online stuff in the future.  it was nice to get away though and I so loved the boat… really really loved it.  One to be repeated at least twice a year me thinks.  I’d love to do a cruise next year but its still a bit out of our price range…c arefull saving over the next year or two and I’ll get there.

The house is even worse and out TV died a couple of months ago,  We’re just using a small one form sons bedroom for now.  The walls are even damper and there isn’t much that can be done about it.  Next year they will be stripped and pummelled back to brick and start again.  I can’t have it done any sooner as we just can’t afford to decorate to the extent that is needed.  I think my fridge is on the way out.. but I know they are only about £99 and if need be, I’ll deduct it from a payment.  I’m getting a bit blase about it all now.  With only 10 months to go… I have been known to pay short and then make it up the following month… as is what I’m doing this month ( I needed spending money for my trip…I didn’t go daft but still need to make it up)

Second son (Jimbob) is 21 next year (september) and I told him today that I’ll pay for him and his girlfriend to go on holiday.  His face just lit up!  He’s currently out of work and he meets me every shopping day (as they live together) to catch up and put things in my trolley …. ahhh thats where my money goes!!! I love all my children equally but he’s the one who has gone above and beyond being a son.  When he was working, he would give me money, pay for my taxi’s home, buy me bits and bobs and he sent me to Cuba!!!!

Daughter has finished college with no prospect of a job and can’t claim JSA till sept, when her Child Beneift runs out.,  I don’t think thats fair really as I’m more than happy to have it stopped so she can claim but thats not the way it works, so I’m still subbing her and will be till Sept. I just hope that luck shines on my lot and they can find work.

Youngest (Alex) is 14 now and is coupled…. his girlfirends name is Viki and she is such a pretty girl… go Al….lol I don’t now what he wants to do in his adult life but Electritian has been mentioned as has Pshycologist. Weshall see what the future brings for him… he’s still got 2 years of school and then A levels so pleny of time for him to make his mind up.

10 more payments to make and we’ll be debt free.  It’s on my phone and my PC calendar… I can’t wait, I really can’t.  I know we will never be in debt again… may never be rich but certainly wont be in debt.  This IVA has been very very tough and trying but I always said it needed to be, we needed to learna  valuable elsson and I think we have….. I’m fortunate that I’ve had my friends on the forum to talk to in all times and I know in my darker times, I wanted to leave.  I just felt that I couldn’t offer anyone anything.  I still dont think that I can help much but I do try to asnwer what I feel is relavant and hopethat I give the right answer…lol.

I want to go to a FF but cant yet, just cant afford train fares etc and the kids offer I had of a lift from Wickerwish was lovely… Aguise too has offered to pick me up.  But money dictates life and its not possible just yet… after May next year………. the world is my oyster and I am damned sure some of my forum buddies will get to clap eyes on me…. ha ha they may wish they never had…lol

Viki’s baby is due this month… I reckon its a girl. well I have always said its a girl…but………….. I do think that I might be wrong… I guess we’ll all find out sooner rather than later.

Keep strong folks..

Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxx

It’s 3 years tomorow Chris, 3 long years since you left us.

The pain is still raw and I feel tomorrow will be a quiet day for all of us.  I can’t get to your grave as I’m working but you know that we will be ‘there’ in spirit.  besides… it’s only your shell that is there, your spirit floats around us all the time.  I hope you’re one of my many spirit friends that have been visiting just lately.  We all miss you so much and my heart leaps and then cries out whenever I find something that was yours.  Please be with Jamie tomorrow, He is going to need you.  We love you.

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What a crap decade!

In a few short weeks, I say goodbye to my 30’s and I can’t wait.  I want to see the back of this decade.  We’ve had rather severe marital problems, Debt problems, Death of a child, and I’ve had medical problems.  They say life begins at 40 and I shall certainly make mine begin at 41!  Only 13 more payments left to make in our IVA and I really can’t wait until its over with.   So our fault for getting into all this money mess but at what cost?  We’ve gone without so much, the house al needs redecorating as we just never had the money for it.  We all need new clothes and even though I can aquire some now and again for the kids, its still very hard.

Coal went up by almost £3 a bag this winter and its meant that we’ve been a bit cold sometimes, that mixed with theiving sods nicking it.  It’s all now in my what was the bike shed, all locked away and surprise surpirse we’ve got plenty left!!

I can’t let the kittens out or mum, we can’t afford for them to be spayed.  I reckon they may end up being indoor cats as by the time we can afford it (next year) they will be almost 2 years old.  I’ve also got a terrible fear that they will get run over and It would break my heart.  They are better off in anyway!

So much is changing at work, its getting to be a rather horrible place to be, I would love to leave but its not an option for me yet.  There is nowhere within biking distance that is going to pay me what I earn now and there is no way on this earth I can earn less.  its just not a viable option.   I just have to grit my teeth and get on with it.

Our annual review documentaion went in the post yesterday, There is a few quid floating every month and I just hope they don’t ask for an increase.  I know there is nothing I can do if they do, just hope not.  I will find out fairly soon I guess.

Life generally moves much the same way as always, I just hope that the next 13 months run smoothly.  Its too late to give up now.

Husband shouted me outside this morning and pointed into the coal shed and asked me if we had used as much as was gone.  No way I said, we skinted ourselves last week to buy 6 bags as our coal man only comes once every 2 weeks.  At least 4 bags have gone and we have not used that much.

I reckon the theiving sods who were stealing our wood for the last 18 months (all gone now) is now stealing our coal.  I am so fed up of it.  If only I could catch them red handed I’d probably end up smacking them in the face.  Then I’d end up in trouble.

Why do some people think they can just help themselves? I know who it is and if I could afford a security camera I could just catch them at it.  But I think to myself, is it classed as an invasion of privacy if I record someone on my property?.

I’m so mad and angry, the coal man wont be coming till next friday and we don’t have enough coal to last, That little lot last week cost £72 and thats the cheapest coal!  Lets hope the weather picks up because coal is our only form of heating and if the fire isn’t lit then the radiators don’t heat and neither does the water.

I hope the culprits break their fingers next time they are in my  coal shed….. hmm what about rat traps hidden in the coal??…. what a fab idea!

I know the seasons can’t be dictated by us but doesn’t Winter suck?

I’m sick and tired of being cold and fed up of worrying how I’m gonna afford the coal this week.  it’s bad enough that we have had no option but to reduce our weekly shopping amount to a stupid proportion.  Kids hate the meals I’m cooking but tough… its that or go hungry!

My bike is making the most weird noises and hub and I know it won’t be long before it’s off to the scrap yard… best get my walking boots on cos we don’t have the funds to buy a new one.

This is what I meant in my earlier post about always moaning… I have nothing good to say about anything. I hate debt and yeah I hate my IVA.

We are now a 4 person household and you’d think that would be cheaper huh?  but no.. cos I’ve lost son no.2’s board.  No one actually gives a stuff that I’m £xxx’s down each month and we are expected to manange.  That’s cos they know we won’t stop paying with only 15 months to go.  It would be stupid to go bankrupt at this stage and I have no intention of doing that, we just have to manage.

I’m 40 in 3 months time and I always imagined a party or even presents (yes I know very selfish of me) but I know I won’t get anything as we just don’t have the money.  My parents don’t give a stuff and my Sister will treat me (bless her) but she’s strapped too and it would be nice if she could spend the day with me but she’s 30 miles way and can’t afford the petrol.

Can you tell I’m really cheesed off right now? yes we have a roof over our heads, yes we have food in the cupboards (well sort of) and coal in the fire place (mixed with the tree that hub chopped down… ooppss) and yes I know I’m lucky, lucky than a lot and I know I am., I just feel really annoyed that my life is so crap.  I can’t even afford to have my granddaughter here as I have to pay the petrol to get her here and I haven’t seen her since the begining of November.  I guess I’m missing her.

It’s times like this that I want to just miss a payment, but I know the stress that it would cause.  I do wish it was this time next year and they say don’t wish your life away, why the hell not? At least I’ll get to debt free a lot quicker.

I just feel so tired all the time and I know it’s cos I’m down in the dumps and the weather!! who isn’t having crap weather right now? it was a bit hairy biking home this morning but thankfully I;ve missed the most of it.  I have a fear of lying in the road unable to reach my mobile and ending up in the big white clouds so to speak!

My friend has had a baby boy this afternoon and I hope his little life is a very prosperous one.  What a world to be born into!!

It’s never good feeling that I write about, can’t help it sorry but I guess it gets it off my chest and I hope no one reads it!!!!!!

Oh in the true case of ’sods law’ and a post title on the forum ‘these things are sent to try us’  Welcome to my little piece of the world.

I plugged my heater in last night, it hasn’t been used since last winter and we only have the one, its mainly used in our bedroom as it gets pretty cold in here….. hey ho it worked!!  for 5 minutes, then sparked gorgeous blue sparks and promptly died!!! Ah well, less electric usage this winter then.

 I had to dry some towels in the dryer this evening as I’m so backed up with washing it’s unreal… its only drying cold air!!  I guess the element has gone on that then.

I’m laughing as I really couldn’t care less anymore.   Why do these things die when you really need them? hey I’m all for saving energy and reducing my carbon footprint but sometimes, just sometimes I need my little luxuries.

Ah well, I’ve a nice glass of Rioja and X Factor is on in a bit, also Harry Potter later..So I’m sorted.

Can’t believe I’m so calm about all this.  it’s funny really…………………….Isn’t it??

Having felt so down these last few days, I have reminded myself that there are people so much worse off than me. 

Having just visited a country that is relatively poor, I remind myself that I do not live in a tin shack that is rocked by heavy winds and rain everytime the elements open.  I have the power to earn more money should I need to (extra shifts being available and such) Those people who were so genuinely kind and lovely earn a set amount and unless they are given tips, they manage on what they have.  But they always smile!!

Further around the world we see such people as those ruled in some of Africa, their lives must be so awful right now, not enough food, fear of death, I don’t live a life like that, I have a roof over my head and food in cupboards, coal may be expensive but we buy it and for the most we are warm and comfortable, we turn on a tap and there is running clean water, Our clothes are clean and fresh and I certainly don’t have to fear the outside world.

 Those that are closer to home that have no home, the homeless that live on the street which is rife in large cities.  I’m talking about the poor souls who are in that situtation through no fault of their own, people who have lost it all through debt, or children who have been abandoned or abused.  I have many times stood at my window and thanked my lucky stars that I am not outside at that time, the weather would be cold and raining and I wonder how many of us give a thought to those that have no where to shelter.

So…. so what if I can’t afford all that I want to get for Christmas, The kids will get little bits and with the help of one fabulous son, the youngest is getting a decent present. My tesco Vouchers will be split, one lot for pressies one lot for food.  I will be getting those extra bits for eating but wont be going daft as I’m aware how much we always throw away.

 It’s very strange, a feeling of contentment has come over me and I’m so very grateful for my lot. I’m extremely lucky to live the way I do, albeit in debt but then a lesson learned and all that. I have a roof, a family, food, clean clothes, a fire lit.  Who am I to grumble?

 xxxx.xxxx.xxxx

I don’t actually think scared is the word I’m looking for, Terrified more like.

I can’t get my head around the fact that there is just no money.  I’ve taken advice from the forum and rung our ip this morning.   The answers I was hoping for are not good. 

I asked if we could have a partial payment break on November’s payment and I was honest and told her (not the ip but a ‘part of the team’) that we needed some money for Christmas as we had nothing left a the end of our budget and she told me that it wouldn’t be possible as Christmas’s were not catered for and we should have saved out contingency money for that purpose.  To which I replied ‘well we have to use half of the contingency money to put back into the food budget to make up the shortfall for which we are sending you, and the remainder gets used on the little things like extra food stuff throughout the month.  She said she was sorry about that but unfortunately there was nothing she could do.  I then mentioned the possibility of a variation and actually put the idea to her, that if we could pay £100 less a month, extend the IVA by 3 months and that would bring it all into line for the finish.  She agreed that it would be a possibility but as things are not set in stone then she wouldn’t reassure me. (fair enough) At a cost of £600 she tells me (which I already knew) and which I’d have to pay even if it wasn’t agreed, she would send me out the paperwork to get the ball rolling.  I then asked how long it would take, she explained that as they are now such a large company it could take a couple of months, possibly longer.  I need help sooner I added, sorry she said.  I politely thanked her for her help and told her I would be back in touch should I wish to take that route.  I then put the phone down and cried!

So Now I’m back to square one.  I’ve found a couple of rings to sell on ebay but they wont make much, however what I do make can be used in ebay to get something. I am seriously considering selling my camera, I could get about £100 for that.  I would be totally gutted but I can always re-buy once we are debt free. I keep looking at it and my eyes start to fill.  I’m so upset with myself (again) for putting my family in this position.  How absolutely stupid was I to get into this rotten mess.  The kids don’t deserve to have to live like this.  I am very very tempted to pay our IVA short next month, only by about £200 and then struggle to make it up.  One half of the brain says do it and the other half says don’t.  I know though that it would be completely wrong.

I have also decided to leave the forum.  Whenever I post, I always seem to be moaning and no one wants that.  I know its all-good advice to go to the docs and have a talk with him but I can’t do it, my pride and upbringing if you like won’t let me.  I know depression is a real problem and I’m so sorry for those people who have it.  I guess it can be so debilitating, but that’s not me.  I’m happy sometimes and I feel that if it were depression then I’d be down all the time.  I want to be able to give good advice on the forum but I cock it up and end up with people feeling worse than they did.  The forum was a godsend to me and I know it is for other people, it will go from strength to strength and I know it will be publicly recognised one day soon.  There are so many people worse off than me on there and I so want to help but right now, I can’t and I feel so very bad for that.

I also feel very selfish because I’ve just had a wonderful holiday and even people who are not in an IVA don’t get to go to the Caribbean. I am grateful for that I really am, it was by the way the best holiday I’ve ever had.

I want everyone to have the best Christmas ever and I hope it’s a happy start to the new year.

Signing off now, good luck folks.  Love me xxxx

Happy Birthday Chris, you’re 24 tomorrow.

You’ve been gone 2 and a half years and it feels like yesterday that you left us.

 We all love and miss you so very much but we want you to know that we think about you everyday and if you’re reading this over my shoulder… then don’t be nosey!!!

 I hope wherever you are, you’re playing football, downing those pints and wooing the girls.

I know you watch over us and I know you’ve been here as I’ve felt you.  I know you know that there is stuff going on here and just stick around as I find it comforting to know that you are here.

Love ya Chris. xxxxx

Well My daughter has failed all of her exams. She has wasted a complete year and she knows she has.  She has spent the day crying and calling herself a failure.  I really want to say ‘yes you are’ Because she would go to college and then maybe go to class or nip to the park with another bunch of people and get drunk and smoke. (no drugs thank god)

 She’s has had a happy year, met loads of new friends (some rich, boy thats hard to compete with) a couple of male friends.  She has a boyfriend now and although I’ve yet to meet him, he sounds ok. 

I’ve had my head up my own backside this last year I think and I wonder if she thought that I didn’t care or want her to do well.  The problems that hub and I have had sort of pushed all the kids out of the equation really.  I have to admit that I would remember something about the kids,. like a hair cut needed but then I would promptly forget again.  I just feel that if I’d taken more interest then she would of done so much better.  She’s the first one in our family to do A-Levels and I honestly am proud of her, but I’m angry with her too, disapointed, extremely cross with myself and know she can do so so much better.

 To be honest I’m struggling so much with day to day life, wondering how the hell we are going to get any spending money for our holiday, are the boys ok with waiting for Birthday presents.  Will they be too upset if Xmas doesn’t happen?  Have I got all youngest’s school clothes? .. must do all the ironing and catch up with the washing, not to mention the cleaning, the house is a mess!

I could do witha good old booze up… oh but then that would mean having money to buy the booze…lol.  Oh its farcical really.  Not a lot of point crying cos that won’t help. 

I hate being skint, I hate that I failed to not keep everyhting together when it mattered and I hate the fact that once the IVA is over, I’m the one that will sort out the rest of our lives (will I stay, will I go???)  Hub shows no emotion whatsoever and we have been rowing so hard just lately over the eldest.  yes I know he’s a lazy so and so, yes I know he’s a compulsive Liar, yes I know he needs a good shake up, but I’m his mum and I don’t want to hear it from hub every day.  He slags him off to other people in front of me too and I’m so sick and tired of it.

 I wish I had the guts to throw in the towel on this IVA and go it alone.. but I won’t cos I’m a coward.  Hub would never cope anyway, he needs me.  Oh to be needed, not quite the same as being wanted is it?

Oh will you listen to me, I am forever moaning arn’t I? I am very grateful for what I’ve got and I shall learn to just live with what I’ve been given and get on with it, there are so many people so much worse off than me.

 I think I qualify as being a selfish human being.