I don’t actually think scared is the word I’m looking for, Terrified more like.

I can’t get my head around the fact that there is just no money.  I’ve taken advice from the forum and rung our ip this morning.   The answers I was hoping for are not good. 

 

I asked if we could have a partial payment break on November’s payment and I was honest and told her (not the ip but a ‘part of the team’) that we needed some money for Christmas as we had nothing left a the end of our budget and she told me that it wouldn’t be possible as Christmas’s were not catered for and we should have saved out contingency money for that purpose.  To which I replied ‘well we have to use half of the contingency money to put back into the food budget to make up the shortfall for which we are sending you, and the remainder gets used on the little things like extra food stuff throughout the month.  She said she was sorry about that but unfortunately there was nothing she could do.  I then mentioned the possibility of a variation and actually put the idea to her, that if we could pay £100 less a month, extend the IVA by 3 months and that would bring it all into line for the finish.  She agreed that it would be a possibility but as things are not set in stone then she wouldn’t reassure me. (fair enough) At a cost of £600 she tells me (which I already knew) and which I’d have to pay even if it wasn’t agreed, she would send me out the paperwork to get the ball rolling.  I then asked how long it would take, she explained that as they are now such a large company it could take a couple of months, possibly longer.  I need help sooner I added, sorry she said.  I politely thanked her for her help and told her I would be back in touch should I wish to take that route.  I then put the phone down and cried!

 

So Now I’m back to square one.  I’ve found a couple of rings to sell on ebay but they wont make much, however what I do make can be used in ebay to get something. I am seriously considering selling my camera, I could get about £100 for that.  I would be totally gutted but I can always re-buy once we are debt free. I keep looking at it and my eyes start to fill.  I’m so upset with myself (again) for putting my family in this position.  How absolutely stupid was I to get into this rotten mess.  The kids don’t deserve to have to live like this.  I am very very tempted to pay our IVA short next month, only by about £200 and then struggle to make it up.  One half of the brain says do it and the other half says don’t.  I know though that it would be completely wrong.

 

I have also decided to leave the forum.  Whenever I post, I always seem to be moaning and no one wants that.  I know its all-good advice to go to the docs and have a talk with him but I can’t do it, my pride and upbringing if you like won’t let me.  I know depression is a real problem and I’m so sorry for those people who have it.  I guess it can be so debilitating, but that’s not me.  I’m happy sometimes and I feel that if it were depression then I’d be down all the time.  I want to be able to give good advice on the forum but I cock it up and end up with people feeling worse than they did.  The forum was a godsend to me and I know it is for other people, it will go from strength to strength and I know it will be publicly recognised one day soon.  There are so many people worse off than me on there and I so want to help but right now, I can’t and I feel so very bad for that.

 

I also feel very selfish because I’ve just had a wonderful holiday and even people who are not in an IVA don’t get to go to the Caribbean. I am grateful for that I really am, it was by the way the best holiday I’ve ever had.

 

I want everyone to have the best Christmas ever and I hope it’s a happy start to the new year.

 

Signing off now, good luck folks.  Love me xxxx